Lessons Learned From Lis
A reflection on my grandmother’s life and the lessons she has taught me along the way.
Arguments
Arguments can be started and settled without ever raising your voice or saying more than two sentences to each other. My grandmother and I were down at her hotel pool while she was visiting my family in Hawai’i. When I stuck my tongue out at a friend, a woman, about sixty, thought I had done it to her because of adult swim time. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of how rude a child I was for sticking my tongue out at her while she was swimming, and how there was a reason for adult swim time and I should just sit there and wait my turn and behave instead of being a brat. I just cried as she got out of the pool and went to sit down. My grandmother, however, went into protective mode. She rose up from her lounge chair and made her way towards the woman’s table. I saw her speak quickly and just as calmly return and sit down, ready to enjoy the rest of her pool time. The woman’s mouth was agape, a mixture of shock and abhorrence blending across her face.
When I asked my grandmother what she had said, she turned and smiled at me.
“Well,” she said, pausing for a moment. “I told her ‘I hope you never have grandchildren, because I would feel terribly sorry for them to have a woman as unpleasant as you for a grandmother.’ ”
Boredom
My grandmother has a saying that she passed down to my mother. Any time I ever complained of boredom, I would hear my mother say, “Well, you know what Grandmommy says. ‘Only boring people get bored.’ ” I no longer say I’m bored. I would rather do anything else than hear that phrase one more time.
Country Clubs
You must always have a loyal place you can rely on for any entertainment or hosting needs. The Army-Navy Country Club in Arlington, VA. is my family’s. It is where my grandmother arranged to have my parent’s wedding reception, the location she chose for my grandfather’s funeral reception, and the universal gathering place for my eighteen aunts, uncles, and cousins to have dinner with my grandmother when we are all in town.
Driving
My grandmother was tired of never getting the family car when she needed it. There was always someone else who got to it first, whether it was her husband, or one of her teenage sons (my mother was not old enough to drive yet.) By the time it got to her, it was normally broken down or needed gas. To teach them a lesson, she went on strike. She was not driving until they either bought a new car or there was an extra car for use; not to the grocery store, to take anyone to school, to football practices, none of it. My grandmother took the bus to work and went about her other motherly duties. My uncles, grandfather, and eventually my mother, became excellent chauffeurs and grocery shoppers.
Elisabeth
This is the German spelling of the name Elizabeth. It is also the legal name of Lis Schmidt, her daughter Libba Alexander, and Libba’s daughter, me.
Felons
In 1989, a young woman escaped from the back of the police car and ran into the house located at 107 West Monroe Avenue. As my sixty-five year old grandmother walked through her living room, she noticed someone was hiding under the baby grand piano.
“Oh,” my grandmother said to the young woman, “you don’t belong here. You have to leave, you are not an invited guest.” The woman scrambled from under the piano and went to hide behind the couch in the den. Never one to make a scene, my grandmother walked to the front door and called calmly down the street to my grandfather, who was out walking their dog, Daisy. “Wes, you may want to come home for a moment.” They kept her there until the police arrived. The woman resisted arrest, and as she was being led out of their house, her handcuffs scratched the wood of the dining room table.
Genealogy
I am able to trace my family history back at least thirteen generations. I know that I am descendant of Pocahontas and I have relatives who fought in the American Revolution. I have a copy of my family tree at home, hand-written by my grandmother, the genealogist.
Hairdresser
Every Tuesday, like clockwork, my grandmother has her hair appointment. She has had her hair styled the same way for my entire life; permed into large white curls on her head that she brushes out every morning to fluff up.
International Relations
When my mother was eleven, she went to stay for the summer with a friend in Spain. While she was gone, my grandparents had an exchange student come stay with them. His name was Anton Von Plug from Amsterdam. Around twenty years later, he got married. My grandparents were there, in Amsterdam, as the best man and matron of honor.
Jamba Juice
A smoothie place the equivalent of Smoothie King or Tropical Smoothie. My grandmother refused to drink the smoothie we got her, afraid that her order had been mixed up with my mothers, who had asked for a Fem boost in hers.
Kids
Have a lot of children; it gives you plenty of options on who will take care of you when you’re old. Plus the stories of growing up in a large family are a lot more entertaining.
Little Red Airplane
Every time we stayed at my grandparents’ house, I would ask my grandmother for a bedtime story. They were always about a character she created called “The Little Red Airplane.” His adventures were always similar to mine, but so much more exciting because he could fly and lived in a hangar.
Mother’s Intuition
My father and mother met two weeks after her fourteenth birthday. They dated for about seven years, more on than off. After one of their breakups, my mother took everything that reminded her of my father and threw it away. She put every letter, note, photo, trinket, and memory into a garbage bag and personally took it out to the trash. My grandmother asked my mother if she was sure about this. “This is it, it’s really over” my mom had told her, so my grandmother let it be. A few weeks later when my parents had patched things up, my grandmother gave my mom back the garbage bag. “I knew you’d be needing this back soon,” she said.
Not Done
There are some things that are simply “not done,” according to my grandmother. Not doing as you’re told, having multiple piercings, tattoos, or using foul language is simply “not done.” Not writing thank you letters in a timely manner, being dressed inappropriately for an occasion, or living together before marriage is simply “not done.”
Obscene phone calls
My mom recently shared a story with me about a prank call my grandmother once received. My mom had gone home for some reason or another and this is what she overheard of it:
“Hello?” silence. “Oh Lord, you do not want to do that with me, I’m sixty-five years old.” Silence again. “Well, yes, I know you’re sorry. Now don’t do this anymore.” She hung up the phone. When my mom popped her head into my grandmother’s room and asked what that was all about, my grandmother wouldn’t give her the details. She’s a lady, after all, and repeating such things is simply not done.
The life threatening condition more commonly known as “brain farts.” The attacks don’t happen often, only when the brain is severely worn out from physical and mental stress. Luckily, mothers can detect these and knows the only cure for them is a day without school or work.
“Please excuse Wesley, Austin, Peter, Rodney, and Libba from school,” she would write. “They were at home with a case of psychosomatic gastritis.” I have also been known to suffer a rare attack of psychosomatic gastritis. It must be a genetic condition.
My grandmother is a friend to the mother of the artist Mary Engelbreit. Her artwork is featured on cards, posters, signs, aprons, napkins, dishtowels, and other home décor. She has a character known as “Queen Mother,” which is what we call my grandmother.
I always feared being locked in the car for hours with my grandmother. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch my movies or play my Game Boy or read a book in peace when she was in the car with her maps and notes. She always marked the route with all the historical things that had happened near or around the areas we’d be traveling. As we made our way to our destination, my brother and I would be subjected to listening to tales of battles or which of our ancestors died here, “Ooh”ing and “Ahh”ing in the appropriate places, all the while itching to read our new Harry Potter books.
Seatbelts
Every time she gets in the car, my grandmother holds on to the seatbelt to keep it from rubbing her neck. She sometimes pulls on it when the car accelerates or brakes, causing the seatbelt to lock. She doesn’t know that all you have to do is take off the seatbelt and put it back on to release the lock, so she rides for hours without saying anything about it.
Tea
American Girl Dolls were a huge deal when I was younger. I had one American Girl doll from the collection named Molly, and a Bitty Baby doll. One summer, my grandmother took me to the American Girl Doll place in Chicago. I was ecstatic. I dragged her all over that store, showing her all the things I wanted to go on my Christmas and birthday list. I can’t remember what those things are anymore, but I remember having a proper tea in the Café there. We had finger sandwiches and hot tea and scones, and I remember telling my grandmother I felt like I was British. We then spent the rest of the tea discussing historical details about Queen Elizabeth I, Mary, Queen of Scots, and Queen Victoria, because I had read the Royal Diaries series about them. I had never felt so grown up in my life.
Undergrad
“Even if you do nothing with it,” my grandmother told me on her most recent visit, “get a college degree. I went to school to get a history degree and instead got married and ended up with a masters in Mrs.”
Vicks vapor rub
It not only cures all allergies, coughs, colds, and snoring, it prevents them. Simply apply it every night before bed. My eighty-six year old grandmother swears by it.
White gloves
A debutante is nothing without her white gloves. My grandmother, mother, and my cousin Mary-Lib were debutantes and all have pairs of white gloves for all occasions. Long arm gloves, wrist gloves, silk and cotton gloves, and the outfits to match. The only white gloves I have ever owned were white marching band gloves. This is the one thing I have not indulged my grandmother in; I never became a proper lady.
A type of radiography they used to conduct my grandmother’s mammogram that found her breast cancer.
Yarn
My grandmother hardly goes anywhere without her knitting supplies. She has made every one of my family members Christmas stockings, with our names personally stitched into the tops. When someone marries into the family, they get a stocking. When a grandchild, cousin, niece, or nephew enters this family, they get a stocking. Last Christmas, my grandmother taught me how to make the stockings, so I can keep the tradition going.
Zingers
One of my grandmother’s best zingers yet:
“The last thing I got from Wes Schmidt was Libba, and she is 41 years old!”
But most of the time, we look like this....
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